Life Offline

So I'm coming up on a whole two months without a stable internet connection. I've been using this little satillite reciever thing for Facebook and for this blog, but the quality of connection is incredibly low and often I'm unable to get online for any length of time. So I've been having to find ways to amuse myself offline, that is -gasp- actually getting outside and meeting people, socialising in the real world.
I don't like it much, but I have noticed a few changes in myself over the past few months, and I suppose I want to write them down before they fade into who I am and I stop being aware of them.
First off, I'm happier. I never thought I'd be able to say that, but I am in fact happier than I was connected to the internet. After examining this emotion, I came to the conclusion that I needed a break from WoW. I had been playing non-stop for about two and a half years at the point where my net was cut off, the last few months of which I had been running a guild, and I needed to switch off a bit. Family have noted that I 'seem less angry' these days, and I've noted that I feel less irritable and pressurized.
Secondly, I've found time for my other pursuits again- something that I haven't been keeping up with in years. I'm a gamer at heart, and I've actually been playing other games - Modern Warfare, Borderlands, Super Mario Wii (kicks ass, by the way). I've gone through my Magic card collection and catalogued it. I've drawn all over my walls. I've almost read the entire Wheel of Time series again when I hadn't seriously picked up a book in over eight months. I'm getting things done.
Thirdly, I'm having a social life and thus want a job. Thrust out into the real world, social events just started to crop up, especially with the holidays starting today. I'm getting drunk a lot, I'm having a lot of fun, and I want money. Which means that my time is actually being filled quite effectively without WoW.
Finally, every single part of me screams for WoW back. I know, kind of funny. Looking over the other points, you would think that losing the internet would be a positive thing for me. Unfortunately, the weight of responsibility tied in with the desire to be around the people I love online is getting stronger by the day. I have reached the peak of enjoying life without WoW entirely, and I am happy that I could, but I want both worlds, and come hell or high water I will have them.
To conclude, a pretty picture!

25 Facts

This was on my Facebook but I figure everything of interest that gets written down should eventually be transplanted here.

1) I believe that people are either charming or tedious, and that good and bad aren't important.

2) I have a head completely full of words and sometimes they force their way out of me uncontrollably.

3) I have an addiction to physical contact that I have been unable to combat - any kind of touch to me is literally a drug. I don't really like this, because it motivates me to do things I'm not always proud of.

4) I wouldn't say I'm depressed or particularly happy. More, I swing from one extreme to the other. My highs are soaring and my lows are oh so low.

5) I have been in several relationships. Two were obsessives, one was normal (!), one went off with my ex, and one proved to me that love is the most damaging emotion in existence. I don't think I will date for a very long time. I tend to prefer 'casual arrangements' because I don't like to be emotionally vunerable anymore.

6) I have an unfortunate habit of becoming attached to people.

7) I am a great supporter of anything that alters your conciousness. The world comes into focus better if you're looking at it through the bottom of a bottle.

8) [OMITTED 10:18PM 24/1/2015]

9) I love World of Warcraft and those who play it.

10) I believe that self-awareness is the most important trait anyone can possess.

11) [OMITTED 10:18PM 24/1/2015]

12) I like the dark - the only times I actually like to leave the house are generally pitch black. I wander around a lot at night.

13) I have horrible horrible nightmares a lot of the time, but I'm reasonably well adjusted, I suppose.

14) I want to be a teacher, of English and Drama.

15) About the only saving grace my life has is my writing. I do a lot of it. I have a blog that I'm rather fond of.

16) I can play the tenor saxophone, though not very well. I haven't picked it up in a few months.

17) I have been and still am in love, though I've learnt not to listen to it. No good seems to come of it.

18) Music isn't my life, but it keeps my heartbeat in time.

19) I wish I spent more time around people and less time alone. When I'm with people, I feel the need to entertain them so they aren't bored, and that annoys me, but when I'm alone I'm bored anyway - so I suppose I wish I could be bored around other people and not uncomfortable.

20) [OMITTED 10:18PM 24/1/2015]

21) [OMITTED 10:18PM 24/1/2015]

22) CAN'T THINK OF ANY MORE FACTS OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.

23) Wait, got one. I smoke. I'm one of those self-hating smokers though so I'm pretty discrete about it.

24) I like you and would like to know more about you, spend more time with you, laugh with you. But I doubt I will.

25) I don't fear the future but I'm pretty suspicious of it. I think its up to no good.

A Nicely Worded Comic

Love Amongst the Criminally Insane

Given that I don't have WoW or indeed stable internet to distract me from things at the moment, I've been forced to spend a lot of time sitting and examining the workings of my own mind.

"Contempt for one's own motivations is a vulgar thing."

That quote is from Johnny the Homicidal Maniac (incidentally, if you haven't read that, can stand a little cathartic violence and want a comic book to change your life, PICK UP A COPY OF THIS). And I've noticed really, when observing the curious little thought patterns that rush around in that gargantuan brain of mine, that my thoughts are centered on two things primarily. Those things are what to do in order to return to WoW and what I see as half my life, and the other is that of love - more specifically, how do I feel about love.
So, now that I've identified what I'm thinking about, I'm going to use this blog to get my thoughts out of my brain and into neat little ordered rows so I can understand what's causing them and either encourage it to grow or crush it ruthlessly.
As I've said many times before, this blog largely serves as an aid for my own mental health, and you may not find it entertaining - I usually say this, and people usually read it anyway. Go ahead if you like.
So. What are my thoughts on love?

I am in love.

Interesting, that one. Despite (or perhaps because of) whatever else comes after this point, it is pretty set in stone. I have been, will be, and am in love. I suppose this isn't something that I have control over. People have to love. I love. I can't do anything about this. Whether this is a pro or a con is yet to be seen...

Love is a highly dangerous emotion.

All I need to do is examine the numerous metaphorical scars I bear and I know this one is true. Like all great catalysts, love is volatile. It can burn you without the slightest warning, and those marks it can leave on you hurt. What's more, they can endure forever. It is a small mercy that the pain does cease after a while. One must always be wary when one realises that one is in love. Unfortunately...

Love turns you into a damned idiot.

Good combination, no? >_> When in love, one will do almost anything in order to keep that going. There is nothing more hideous in this world than unrequited love (forgive spelling). Even when relationships pass, as they do, if the feelings don't fade they can drive you to do stupid things. I've had to restrain myself from asking for a second chance on a few occasions with a few people. Gotta try and ignore that.

Love and lust wear the same clothes.

Spotting the difference can be rather tricky. Indeed, one precedes the other quite a bit. In my case, I can love and not lust - to find someone emotionally interesting but not attractive is pretty nasty, though.
Finally, I suppose I should always keep in mind.

You love love when you're in love, but you loathe love when you're unloved.

If I remembered this at all times, I think I'd be a slightly happier person, really.

This post was horribly disjointed and I hate it. But what the hell. Thoughts are thoughts, and this simple cage is going to confine them for me until I can examine them in finer detail.

Letter to a Friend

I wrote this to a person who I've known for a scant year. After sending it to him, I thought I'd put it here, like all my other scribblings. Enjoy.

I was going to save this for after you graduated, for a point in the holidays – because I won’t see you as much after graduation and thus would spare us both potential embarrassments. Still, you know what I’m like for getting my emotions out, so I hope you understand why I have to write something like this to you, and I hope you respect me for it. In fact, I’m pretty sure you will.
You may remember a point in time where I told you I wasn’t sure if I counted you friend, fascinating, frightening or attractive. Moreover, I didn’t tell you which was strongest – I concluded over time that the latter two were strongest. That’s since changed, and quite drastically, and I want to tell you why without tripping over my metaphorical tongue – something that is actually proving quite tricky, so bear with me. D:
You noticed that I’m not a very happy individual. I don’t like people. To me, most of them are something to be held in contempt, unable to rise above the horrible motivations and desires that rule their insignificant lives. But in you, I saw – and see – something more, and I’m trying to express to you what that has done for me.
I was suddenly confronted with an individual who desires to help others. An individual who told me many times that they desired my happiness, and my happiness alone. An individual who endeavoured many times to bring me that happiness. You didn’t succeed – I don’t believe that anyone or anything can bring me happiness but myself, and that will take time – but you gave me something more, something infinitely more valuable.
In observing you and your tireless endeavours to make people happy, to help them to smile, I saw something incredible and boundless in the human psyche that I had not had the chance to observe before then – that of selflessness. Through you I transcended through my contempt – it’s actually quite a spiritual evolution, and you were the engineer of it. In short, you are the source of my hope. You couldn’t give me happiness, but you gave me hope in the short time I have known you. I told you once that I love you – and I mean that more now than I have ever meant those words, because you embody everything in people that I admire, respect, and aspire towards. You’ll probably disregard most of this as ill-informed or unsuitable in describing you – and I do also, because it does not capture what I am trying to say adequately, but I’m doing my best – but I cannot express to you how much meeting you and having you in my life for as long as I did, however short they may be, has done for my mental state of mind, my faith in individuals, and my capacity for growth.
You are a fantastic, incredible, wonderful individual and I am truly blessed to have had someone like you around. I love you with all my heart, as a brother, and I thank you from the bottom of it.

Irritate the Faithful, Part I

Wrote this back in first term to annoy my religious friend. I'll dig out the second half and upload it later.

It is essential to my sense of self that I believe there is a part of me that is eternally enduring – in the grand scheme of things, my lifespan is of such an insignificant duration that I virtually do not exist at all. Life; meaningless, when viewed on a large scale; on the small scale, all the fun stuff emerges. So by allowing myself vices that may be considered ‘sinful’ I retain my sanity and remain true to my nature – but at all times the consideration of the large scale lurks at the back of my mind. In order to handle such an incomprehensible factor as my own eventual oblivion I must have faith in that part of me that will last the blind eternities – my soul.

False hope, no doubt, but essential nonetheless. However, I would not be so naive as to subscribe to such a mockery of the soul as an organised religion. To pretend that the core aspect of my self is in the hands of a cosmic being that has direct control of every/any aspect of my mortal existence is a blasphemy in itself. The only path to transcendence lies within the confines of my own skull. We are all our own gods – that should be enough. Nor shall I submit to the abomination that is atheism. Trampling on children’s sandcastles and acting like this is a moral obligation is a crime.

Values of Truth

This is what I do with my brain when I don't have WoW to distract me. Good lord. >_>

Truth became an intangible value the day we learned how to lie. If we consider truth to be a value inherent in all things, the only way to determine ‘truth’ levels within a thing would be to consider truth as an absolute. For instance, if truth is beauty and beauty truth, then all things that are considered beautiful are also true, and all things that are considered true have beauty in them, because of the ‘truth’ of said beauty (although as stated, both are completely intangible values). The truth is inherent in the item because the creature, idea or revelation is ‘truly’ beautiful. Thus, truth is essentially the statement of unquestionable fact. Without the fact being an absolute, it is impossible for said fact to possess truth.

The day that we learned how to question is the day we learnt to lie. To have differing points of view, to be able to question, consider and refute the world around us utterly removes the inherent value of ‘truth’, as it undermines the essential component of unquestionable fact. With said ability to question and ultimately to deceive or distort the facts of a thing is to destroy the indisputability of the value of truth – to remove the purity of said truth is to destroy it utterly, for it cannot exist in part, only as a whole. As an absolute, we are literally forced to acknowledge truth – at least as a measurable, inherent value – as an ‘all or nothing’ situation.
Indeed, if we remove the equation of deception, questioning – in short, the entire concept of perception – we find truth once more, but in a pervading absolute sense once again. With the absence of perception, truth becomes an absolute present in all things – if things can be considered to exist with nobody perceiving them. Add perception to the equation and truth once again becomes impossibility.

So, in place of truth, we have the belief of truth. We have opinion, perception and conclusion. Some would consider this a poor substitute for the overwhelming indisputability of truth – but unfortunately, it is all we can hope for. Given the natural, unfortunate ability of life to insist upon observing the world, truth cannot exist.