Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaants.

Alright, so I'm just going to type for a while. For those of you who read my blog and know me in real life, it might be a good idea to go away, because I'm just going to be typing for my own reference and catharsis  and it may not be an accurate reflection of how I'm feeling, and I certainly don't want to talk about this post. I just...want to write things. That's all. Often it's all I have to satisfy myself and get things out of my head, and right now I'm going to use that because I don't have much else going for me.

So, I'm stressed. I'm tense and I'm stressed and I'm falling apart and I'm not enjoying things at all, and it's probably nobody's fault but my own, but here we are. In no particular order, here are some things that are causing me grief. My ex has a new boyfriend, which shouldn't bother me, because it's been a year since we broke up and six months since he moved out. I realized the other day that it had been a whole year since we broke up, and much longer since I started to hate him, and yet the knowledge that he's moved on, found somebody else and is probably ekking out a modicum of happiness in his new digs with his new partner fills me with inarticulate sorrow and anger, because here I am living in the room I lived in with him, sleeping on the same patch of floor, smoking sadly on the same fucking balcony and living the same lonely, angry life that I lived when we broke up. It's irrational. But it still stings, and jealousy is a hell of a thing to admit to feeling, especially from somebody who goes on and on about how good his poly practice is, blah blah blah. I just can't get over the hate and I don't like hanging onto hate. I just feel as though it was impossible for me to get a satisfactory resolution out of that situation and I haven't. I need to find a way to move on from that kind of thing, and I've been trying to date again, but there's nobody that attracts my attention. I love both of my partners but those relationships occupy very, very specialized niches and they aren't everything that I need - which both of my partners respect and understand because they're wonderful, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel as though there's a hollowness in my life that I haven't managed to fill.

So, I guess I've been trying to solve the above problem in my own way by making changes in my life - like asserting myself, yeah, proud independent man goes out into the world and doesn't take shit from anybody, because I've lived that, y'know, I've been abused and taken advantage of and I'm not going to take anymore, damn it! So I dug in my heels with my roleplaying company, and I've cut out bad things from my life, and I've made the choice to move, and I know that in the long term those choices will pay off, because they're the right way for me to live, but in the short term...I just feel ostracized and lonesome and stressed out all the fucking time because when you don't take shit from anybody, nobody will want to be around you because you're confrontational or arrogant or not socially cohesive, and I'm switching wildly between I DON'T NEED YOU TO LIKE ME and WHY DOES NOBODY LIKE ME. And again we deal with the jealousy, because everybody else seems to be off having a lovely time and here you are sitting at home in your den with nothing going for you, which is bullshit, and then there's the self-pity and loathing and all of that wonderful stuff and I just want to scream half the time. And of course my fucking family have abandoned me, which despite me putting a brave face on it...well. I'm very alone, very very alone. The number of people that are privy to what goes on in my head and in my life can be counted on one hand and I've never been in that position before. I don't like it. I like people, I like myself, and I want to be liked, and I'm struggling.

And I want to talk about things like how I'm getting annoyed at the financial strain I'm being put under and how my friend is suicidal and I have no idea what to do about it and how quitting smoking is impossible and how I'm annoyed at my body for CONSTANTLY FALLING APART, like, seriously, to the point where I'm having severe internal problems (and I'm not talking about the coughing) and how my drugs aren't working and I'm terrified of therapy and I'm so afraid of the next few weeks because I have to do all the official adult things and about how my last year of university is going to start and I don't know if I picked the right subjects and how I miss theatre and how none of the things that I had planned are going to be possible because I've been stretched too fucking thin and I'm worried that I'm going to snap and I haven't felt this way since I burned holes in my fucking flesh...but my hand is starting to cramp and I'm going to have to stop and have a smoke that will fill me with guilt and then attempt to lie down and take my drug and try to fucking sleep.

I started writing this shit because I thought it would make me feel better, and maybe I could type out some solutions, but I'm just being crushed under the weight of these paragraphs.

I don't know. I'll come back in a few days and there will be hope.