Okay, so, wow. Quitting smoking is not okay.
(yes, I'm here to rant about a real life thing, oh my!)
So the doctor have given me a puffer for my acute bronchitis and I've been hitting the puffer really hard (once I realized I had to take the cap off, d'oh) and for a while it was really helping but I think my infection is resisting it because the coughing isn't easing up at all now and I'm worried I'll have to call an ambulance or something fucked like that because I've nearly blacked out twice over the past four days. But that's okay, I just know I need to quit the cigarettes. Like, need to. There isn't an option to stay on them, and yet I desperately want to, and here's why.
It isn't a matter of 'oh, wean yourself onto something else!' or 'replace that physchological dependancy!' or 'stiff upper lip, the first week is the worst'. It's gut-wrenchingly. I was playing Binding of Isaac and my hand was shaking so much that I couldn't play properly. If Sav hadn't caved and let me share a smoke with Ruth I honestly think I would have shouted at her, which I hate doing. This addiction has a really, REALLY powerful hold over me and I'm struggling, I really am. I feel completely powerless.
Today I had the equivalent of one cigarette. I had one half-and-half joint during the day, and I had half a cigarette just now with Ruth. The force of will required to resist smoking...nearly ruined me utterly. Tears, shaking, spasming, and on top of all that it hasn't improved my health at all, if anything it's made it worse.
I just want to smoke my way through several grams and pass out and not cough.
I'm gonna get through this.
Quitting smoking is not okay.
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1 comment:
I had a friend who was in a similar situation with smoking, and she found that talking to a counsellor really helped with the non-physical side of things (like getting angry, stress, panic/anxiety etc - especially with her partner and her young son). The counsellors at Wavecare, Glen Waverley bulk bill and are generally great, just as a suggestion, and I think they're also experienced in substance dependance recovery and health counselling. Good luck - it sounds like a horrible thing to go through.
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