I honestly don't know how I'm going to do this post. I was thinking about compartmentalizing the year. That seems like a good way to do it, so perhaps we'll give that a go.
Relationships! They're a thing. I broke up with Pat, the first person I've ever been in love with and truly made a go of it. We've had long stretches of time where we don't talk to one another, and then we fall back into one another's lives and mess everything up, and it repeats ad nauseum. I can't bring myself to stop, though, because I still love him. That's no secret. I'm still in love with him and I'll probably subject myself to a lot of asshole-ish behaviour because of that, but that's been the running theme of this year so I'm okay with it.
Still on the subject of relationships, I'm in several at the moment. I've come to terms with the fact that you can feel love for a human being and not want to put it in them, and I've come to terms with the fact that not putting it in somebody immediately does not mean that you cannot love them. That's two big things for me out of this year - redefining love and what it means to me. I've embraced poly ideals and ideas, and I've started to work out what works for me in the field of romance and romantic needs, and I'm starting to have those needs met. Not bad for a twenty year old, really, especially considering that I'm such a mess a lot of the time. Anyway, to Ruth, Ollie, Isabelle, Sally, Tim, and Sav (though obviously Sav's in a slightly different catagory), you have my love, my gratitude and my deepest respect for this year. Ditto Jen and Brans, for very different reasons (you know why I need you).
Theatrical things! I was a tech person for Dogg's Hamlet, Cahoot's Macbeth, and I really enjoyed that. Met a lot of really cool first years, did some neat things with Dog's Breakfast with Ollie, and then I was the Fool in Wyrd Sisters, further cementing my love of the Monash Shakespeare Company. I'm the Treasurer of that company at the moment but I don't know if that's going to last because I don't think my mental health is suitable to that job - it's a lot of very difficult work and the theatrical world is a difficult one, especially when balancing multiple projects. On that note, this year with the help of many dear friends I launched Melbourne Masquerade, my theatre and role-playing organization, and in a few weeks that company is about to undergo some heavy administrative changes. I'm really nervous about them, but I created an awesome thing and I'm going to see that it goes places, so I'm feeling very passionate about our little theatrical baby. Theatre is something that I intend of doing less of next year. It drains me more than I would care to admit, and I think my priorities are shifting slightly.
What can I say about Vampire that isn't already ingrained irrevocably into my soul and into the words of this blog? This year I was part of building (a very important part of building) a creative world that I proceeded to immerse myself in. It wasn't perfect, far from it, but it was beautiful and amazing and educational and very fucking fun, and although there are hundreds of things I would do differently were I to have the chance again, those six months were one of the best things in my life and I'll never forget them. Special shout-out to Jacobson, Alfie, and Bacchus. You did your best, lads, and I understand.
I'm not going to do a whole paragraph, but I'm going to take a sentence or two to acknowledge that I am completely indebted to Savannah for everything that she has done and will do, just as I know she is bound to me for the same. I love you more than words can describe, dear, and this year in Melbourne with you has been something to remember.
Family matters! My mother abandoned me and cut off all support because I suspect she's off her medication, so that's something. I am no longer welcome to call the family that raised me, and I've had to come up with ways to contact my siblings that circumvent my mother as apparently the very mention of me sends her into a rage. I will never forgive the woman for abandoning me during a crucial time in my life, mental illness or no, and as far as I am concerned, her behaviour coupled with my father's behaviour over the years means that I have no family. I spent Christmas with Ollie's parents and it was wonderful beyond words, and showed me just how fucked my family dynamic is. Having said that my dad came around unexpectedly (from Canberra no less) to see me yesterday before the year ended, and he left behind nearly two hundred dollars and a big bag of...fun stuff, so my feelings towards him are a little bit more complex and conflicted. I'm very proud of my brother for dealing with what I consider to be an extremely difficult set of circumstances, and I'm very proud of my sisters for beginning that hellish road to adulthood this year. I love them all, but it's just too toxic for me there.
On that note, toxic things! I had a HIV scare this year, which wasn't great. I ran out of money, decided to try unofficial escort work and got sexually assaulted, which is worse. I self-harmed once or twice, I still have incredible difficulty sleeping, my social anxiety is growing and the anti-depressants I have been prescribed do very little to stabilize me. I'm self-medicating like nobody's business and I can't really remember the last time I was sober for a noticeable stretch of time. I write these words sober, but I'm going to change that as soon as I'm finished this post. In some ways that may make me weak. I think I have a perception of myself as a weak person who can be goaded into doing great things. I'm okay with that. It beats the blind arrogance of previous years. I passed uni with distinction and I have no fear that I will be able to survive whatever is thrown my way. Happiness is out of reach for the moment, but a narcotic haze isn't, and I'm staying safe until I can battle these demons.
I haven't given many specifics in this post, and for that I apologize. I'm sure Future Me would love to see specific events recorded, like memorable evenings on the balcony, or drunken unexpected kissing with a close friend, or dancing in a club where nobody knows your name. But I'm not going to be able to give myself specifics, because I'm in a frenetic mindset. I'm young - I'm so, so young. I'm twenty years of age and I have a tiny bit of disposable income to spend on fun things. I live in Melbourne, I have a roommate that loves me and a social circle that is varied and ever-shifting. I gotta look foward to my third year of uni (!) and perhaps a little bit of self-destruction and rebirth, because I don't have to be the strongest or the smartest or the best, I just have to be alive and hale and hearty, and I will be those things.
My name is Jason Drake, and here and now I am alive. Happy New Year to you all, and I hope that 2013 brings you joy.
New Year's Resolutions
Karate
Dance
Therapy
Role-playing
Love
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