Birth of Ego

You know, there are huge advantages to subscribing to the blogs of other people.

The most obvious is that I have something to distract me for about two minutes at a time every now and then. How nice! I can prevent myself from actually thinking! But after reading a few things on a few blogs my mind starts to bubble, and lo and behold, I post myself.
Thought begets thought, I suppose.
Anyway, for today's romp through my thought processes for the benefit of Future Me, I present to you the following quote and the reasons that it made my brain immediately kick into overdrive.
"The truth is I hate myself. And I think that is better than being obsessed with myself."
This quote comes to us by way of the Sky Sailor's Handbook, a link you can find in blogs that I follow publicly (or if you're the author, who I know is one of my few readers, hello!)

For those of you who know me, or who read my blog, or have seen me walk down the street or even made eye contact with me - in short, it's really obvious that I am intensely egotistical. I am arrogant. I am self-absorbed, I am self-centered - importantly, though, I am not overly selfish - and in short I love myself with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. If I could clone myself and have sexual intercourse with an exact duplicate of myself, I would never want for sex again. If I could hook my brain up to machines and spend the rest of my life exploring how it works, I would never talk to another human being. I. LOVE. ME.

I forget exactly where I was going with this. Where was I?

Incidentally, I've probably posted on this topic before - but as I was pointedly reminded the other day, who I am now is different from who I was a year ago and it is interesting to get my point of view on the same subject over time. Interesting for Future Me, anyway.

Also if you know me, you'll know that I am not secretive about my ego. It exists and in a lot of cases it is quite destructive. I'm going to tell you today why I, an instrospective, self-editing individual, allowed it to grow.

I suppose I should warn you that this is probably going to be a little morbid.

Recently I was questioned by my brother. He had seen and heard of some of the things I had done to people, right before I left Canberra. They were not kind things. In fact they were downright cruel things, probably undeserved by those I did them to (though not all were undeserved, but that's another post). Basically, he demanded I explain myself; convinced that I was not at heart a bad person, he wanted to know why I did what I did, what motivated me. I told him that my ego demanded closure; that those people had at one time or another perpetrated actions that had displeased me, and my ego demanded satisfaction - so I made them suffer, or vented my spleen, or tore up relationships. And then he asked me why I had an ego.
There's probably a post somewhere in my backlog about what my previous stepfather did to me. I won't go into the details here, not too much. It isn't important. But I will paint you a very brief picture.

Imagine a confused, frightened teenager who lived in mortal fear every day for over a year. Imagine that that teenager was told every day how worthless he was, how wrong he was - how he was disgusting and he must be kept a secret from everyone around him, or they'd hate him too. Now imagine that teenager physically abused, tormented relentlessly, and left to rot.
At this point, our hypothetical teenager has two options. He can agree. He can submit. He can lie down and let it all happen to him, and in his submission things get a little easier for him. The forces that wish his destruction lessen as he begins to do their work for him. He throws himself down stairs to try and break his legs. He toys with drinking everything under the kitchen sink. He tells himself that he is unloveable and unworthy and deserves the treatment he gets - and eventually, when the abomination of his mistreatment is lifted and he is free again, he does the demon's work for them - he treats himself like he is worthless, because it was easier than not submitting. That stays with him for the rest of his life - a life that he will probably shorten when he finally becomes incapable of living with himself and his self-hatred.
Short-term, the forces pass him over. Long-term, he lives with that choice for the rest of his life.

Or there's a second option, that he can go for after trying the first option.

The teenager can withdraw into himself again - not out of submission, but in strength. He can convince himself, utterly and completely, that he is the only thing that matters in the world. He is the most important thing, everything he is is the only reality - the forces outside that are trying to destroy him are nothing, mere illusion. If he is the most amazing person in the world, the forces that are conspiring his demise, that degrade and defeat him, well, they are merely setbacks! Through conditioning, the teenager convinces himself overwhelmingly that he is amazing, incredible, and above all better than those around him. In doing so, he becomes untouchable. And when eventually the danger is past, the pressures on him are lifted and he is free again, that sense of invincibility will stay with him for the rest of his life - for a small price. Every now and then he has to crush someone, be cruel, do something that reminds him of everything he convinced himself of - his power, his strength, his ability. It isn't always a bad thing - sometimes he can satisfy this ego with good things. Sometimes, though, he has to hurt people. A bad thing, now and then, for a good feeling. There are worse things in the world.
He stood proud while he was almost destroyed. Now, he occasionally hurts others, and is happy.

I made my choice.