Alternate Title: "Dances with Homosexuals".
It's been a while since I've posted and I feel slightly pressurised - this blog was concieved as an idea to blow off steam and this is going to be one of those posts. This isn't going to have a poem at the end of it (I don't think), this isn't going to have an interesting lesson or insight in it - this is just going to be me typing about my emotions and thought trails and analysing them and then feeling better about them, because pinning them on paper makes them rational and real, and thus better.
Or something. Look, I don't really know why I like to commit everything to text, but it helps, so let's roll with it.
So. To recap the events of the last two weeks.
I bit the bullet. I went to a youth group for the terminally homosexual. I suppose something in my brain went funny - normally I don't put myself forward like that, but I suppose the key motivation was that I was tired of feeling alone all the time.
I would like to take a moment to say here that this is in no way a negative reflection of my fairly wonderful heterosexual friends. You're all wonderful, but I hope you understand what I'm getting at here.
I have a history of falling in love with heterosexuals. I have a history of pushing myself out there, being overt, being blunt, and in short getting broken for it. A month ago, I was a romantically terrified individual. I was leaning dangerously towards my thought patterns after my last break-up, which were along the lines of "Turn off your feelings, it's better in the long run." And I've learnt that that's a dangerous way to think - but still, I felt very alone. Despite my flaws I have a lot of love, and I wanted to express it around people who wouldn't find it disturbing.
And so I went to this youth group called Bitbent, and I've discovered a few interesting things since I went two weeks ago. I've only been twice, but these past two weeks have basically turned my life completely upside down and I'm going to try and cover why.
First and foremost, gays, lesbians, transgender, what-have-you, all of them - they're absolutely amazing people. Absolutely wonderful. I can't put into words how welcome I've been made to feel.
However, I think I'm having a bit of trouble coping. That little thing I have when I bottle up my emotion is spilling out and I'm not sure what to do about it. For example, my penchant for polygamy is coming to the fore. I'm interested in a boy. Hell, I'm interested in two. Actually, I suppose I could be interested in three, if I think about it. See my problem? There's no limit. From none to a hundred, is the situtation I'm in - and it's difficult, because I know that's not fair to anyone, but I can't have it.
I went on a picnic today with a wonderful boy. Last night, I had sex. Is this a conflict of interest? Is the line blurred- am I in the wrong? Or am I allowed to enjoy this new-found freedom, this emancipation I never had? Up until two weeks ago I could count the number of homosexuals I knew on one hand. Now, I know heaps. I hope to get to know more. Before, my criteria for interest was "If they like boys, that's good enough to try." Now? I don't know. What do I like? Hell, I can actually figure out if I have a type. It's staggering! I'm sitting here startled at the possibilities that are opening up - but at the same time I have the feeling of walking a dangerous line, throwing stones at a glass castle that could crumble and slice me up all over again.
I don't know if I'm the right person for a relationship. I don't know if I want a relationship for the right reasons. Hell, I'm starting to doubt that I really know me, that I can trust I am who I think I am and will behave how I think I'll behave. I've already noticed that I'm putting on masks again - I'm acting parts I push myself into. Today, I'm dominant, boisterous - tomorrow I'll be shy and withdrawn. Am I being me? Or is this a way of hiding who I am? Can I even be sure anymore? I sit back and watch myself doing this and it feels natural, but who's to say?
I wish there was a way to know that I'm not leading myself down another road to destruction, yet again. But at least this road is fascinatingly scenic and there are some amazing people on it.
There. I feel a little bit less pressurized. Mission accomplished.
3 comments:
Well done for getting out there - really. A friend of mine recently realized life was passing him by, joined a few social groups and in the last couple of months has gone from losing his virginity to dating three or more women simultaneously.
But is he the kind of guy that wants a serious monogamous relationship? I suspect he is, and once he gets over the whole "OMG sex" thing, he'll settle down. Perhaps you're in a similar situation - once you adjust to the new environment, your true nature will present itself.
The best thing about putting yourself out there is also the worst - the possibility to have your heart broken. But being broken is just a way to put it back together stronger; there is a Japanese proverb that says (paraphrasing because I can't remember the exact text ;D) "Plum blossoms flower despite the frost and snow." The beautiful flowers are not destroyed by the hardship of winter; they persevere and bloom anyway.
Or, a different quote along the same theme of perseverance:
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me
Back on topic though, even if the whole experience is nothing but heartache after heartache, it's better to be on the journey - after all, it proceeds at your pace, there's no stop signs or speed limits on this road.
But you must participate in the ride, regardless of the good or bad experiences in the past - despite having made a mess of yourself, you still need to spend the rest of your life alive.
TL/DR: Persevere and live! With a Japanese proverb, a quote from Gloria Gaynor and some paraphrasing of AC/DC and Switchfoot. Amazing how it all got summed up in three words. ;D
Hey, you're still watching my blog, Mass!
This is pleasing to me.
Thanks for your input. Valuable as always. <3
I have similar problems, falling in love with homosexuals and (mostly due to a number of mental issues) being completely unable to decide on one individual. I don't know what i want and as a result, I am unable to eat around and feel physically sick around (I tend to hold my breathe until the dizziness makes it better) someone I am very fond of.
I rather enjoy your writing.
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