There is a great storm taking place in my head and I simply refuse to take the time to write down all of the things that need to be said about it, but my god, if I don't write something down I think I'll burst from this damnable maelstrom, so I'll give it a go.
So! Dear god, how does one catalogue a life like this? I know I say this every time I go to set things down about what's going on. A day-to-day diary is too broad, but a post every few months is too little. I don't know. I suppose I'll just write things, shall I? Perhaps something of value will get written. I'm two paragraphs in and it hasn't happened yet. Alright, here goes.
So, I have depression.
No, that's a terrible place to start. I have a great deal of things. I have enough force of will to stop myself from smoking pot when it became too much of a burden. That sentence sounds like stupidity, but it got to the point where I was smoking about thirty dollars worth of pot a day, and with my slender frame and my tiny budget, that was destroying me. I just...went to a place where thoughts were slow and torpid and auxillery to the process of living, and that was alright for a while, but if you lived there you'd fade away to nothing, just fade away quietly and never be able to claw your way back. So I did that for a while, and then I stopped cold turkey. I am quite proud of myself for that.
I have a great deal of things. I have a girlfriend (of all things), and I am deeply, controllably in love. That sentence sounds like a fallacy, but I have learned over the past few months that love, like all emotions, does not need to dominate one totally in order to be experienced. Through hard work and perserverence I have created a relationship with an individual that does not hinge on mad passions and explosive interactions, that does not hinge on sexual back and forth or on jealousy and desire. I have a relationship with communication, a relationship with safety nets and comfort and romance and surprises and adoration and something private and wonderful that the rest of the world could never possibly understand and has no business trying to. Her name is Ruth. I am reminded every day that the piece of myself that she has been entrusted with is in the most suitable hands in the world. I strive every second of my life to be worthy of her, and if there comes a time when we split up, I will be grateful for every damn second that she gave me of herself. I do not think that will ever happen, though. This is unlike anything I have ever experienced, and it seems to be building itself to last. Every day, in every way, we get stronger and stronger. I love you, dear.
I have a great deal of things. I have two sisters and a brother back in Canberra who I am very proud of. My mother is a deeply disturbed woman who has taken to drunk driving and bouts of temporary insanity. She is not interested in a son who speaks his mind, nor is she interested in any discourse that causes her guilt, and so we no longer communicate. I am seperated from her by many kilometres, but my luckless siblings are younger and they have to continue to live with her. My sisters are very young, and my brother is a freshly minted adult, but they have the weight of experience behind them and they are strong, and fighting, and they will get there. All three of them love me and will forgive me my many mistakes, and for that I am very fucking thankful.
I have a great deal of things. I have a university degree that is nearly finished. I don't know exactly how I'm going to deal with that. University was always the goal, and now that goal is almost finished and the big bad world awaits. I am quite proud of myself for getting through university with the myriad of other things weighing down upon me, but I have been fortunate in that academic achievement seems to come easily to me. Words are easy, and my degree is nothing but words. Everything else is the hard part.
I have a great deal of things. I have an ex. I have a few of those, actually, but this one was the wake-up call I needed. I was dumped by a child, but a child I was convinced would love me despite my flaws. That experience has shown me that all flaws need to be worked on and that nothing is totally excusable. It has also shown me that no matter how good a judge of character you get, some people won't show their true colours until pressure is put upon them, and there is no use beating yourself up over it when they do, because slime is slime and will reveal itself in the long haul. All you can do is survive the experience, and that is what I intend on doing. I have been convinced of the futility of hatred, but the value of contempt has been demonstrated time and time again and I will stand by it when people earn it.
I have a great deal of things. I have lots of housemates that love me. I have a father who's making an effort. I have a very fat white cat who sasses the hell out of me. I have a kitchen full of food, a social landscape that I have been very careful to cultivate now that the weeds are out of it (and although I must be cautious, I must also allow people the chance to grow and change and return to me when they are safe), and a wonderful roleplaying circle that allows me to express myself creatively. I have a lot of books downloaded to my laptop and a World of Warcraft subscription (again). I have four thousand words to go until I'm finished with this semester and my holidays begin. I have a few shows that I'm going to audition for and hopefully a few theatre prospects that will keep my hands busy and my mind occupied. I have a boy that I am interested in, and a boy that I was interested in but still wouldn't mind kissing, and I have infinite patience for happiness, because I know that waiting changes all things.
And I also have depression. I've had it for over a year now, as a quick jaunt through my previous blog posts will reveal (and did reveal, to me). I have issues with substance abuse. I have sucidial thoughts, I have a great temptation to self-harm, I have nightmares, I have medication, and I have a great deal of randomized guilt and terror. What I also have is a great many things that help me get through my day, and a plan to conquer these negative emotions once and for all regardless of how much effort it takes, and I have an appointment with my GP on Thursday to talk about what can be done.
I have a great many things, really. Hopefully that's a bit enlightening for future me. Whew.
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